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This past week was a week of basking in newborn bliss for me. Our baby came last Sunday. His name is Zachary Alexander.

These days are so special and precious. This is my last baby. I don’t like to say never, but three is a good number for me. Knowing that it was my last pregnancy, last birth, last time I get to take care of my newborn makes everything so bittersweet.

One day old

One Day Old

I want to remember every moment. Inhaling his newborn smell, looking in amazement at his tiny fingers and toes, kissing his soft cheeks over and over again. Even the pain of labour didn’t feel bad at all as I knew it would be gone soon and never again will I experience pushing my child into the world.

I am still wearing my hospital bracelets, reluctant to take them off. I’ll never wear them again. So many things I’ll never get to experience again.

But the truth is, everything is like this.

The moment I experience right now will never come back. My seven year old will never be seven again. My two year old will never be the same again. I will change and grow. My husband and our relationship will evolve and change.

That’s life.

Why don’t we live every moment in awe and gratitude then? I don’t know.

I do plan on enjoying this beautiful here and now as much as I can. Because I know that soon enough the other part of me will wake up. The part of me that doesn’t care about the present moment. It doesn’t appreciate the beauty of experiences that will never come back.

All it wants is to move on. To start a new chapter. It lives in the future. It fantasizes about what will be and how it will be, taking for granted what is already here.

I need that part of me too. It makes sure I keep moving forward.

Two forces. One loves the future. One loves here and now. I need both of them. I like both of them. I welcome both of them.

But in the meantime, I’ll go back to my bittersweet bliss, my baby is about to wake up.

We have our new baby due anytime now. New life coming through me. I have an interesting feeling when I think about him. He is connected to me right now, yet he is not me. He is a different soul that is just using me to come into this world.

In a way this is very symbolic as I’ve been thinking alot lately about the essence, the universal truth, the consciousness that is using us to express itself.

I loved this quote from the Awakening Women Institute Facebook page:

You can spend your life hoping that

when only you get rid of the fear,

when you are a little bit more enlightened,

when you have built up your self esteem,

then…

then you will show up and give it all.

Or…you can get out of your own way,

make yourself available,

and bow down to the One who plays you.

Now.

~ Chameli Ardagh

 

Make yourself available.

Just like I make myself available to this new life inside of me.

Make yourself available.

And see what wants to come through. What truth wants to manifest itself into being through you?

Make yourself available to the truth that wants to come through you

How do you make yourself available?

There are many ways.

One of them is to commit to a practice. It can be any practice.

The practice I am committing to is writing. Yours might be sitting still for 5 minutes every day.

I am committing to writing without judgements. Without much editing. Without excuses.

Through this practice of writing I am inviting the essence to come and play me. 

a practice that will help your essence to come and play you

Thankfully, my circumstances right now are very aligned with this kind of practice. With the new baby coming, two kids I homeschool, as well as a new project that I am launching in the next month or so, I don’t have much time for anything else that my mind tells me I need to be doing.

No time to judge what I write. No time to try to figure what my readers want to read. No time to even ask my husband to check what I write (English is not my native language).

I just have time to write and hope that I touch at least one soul out there.

I hope the truth will come through what I write.

And it’s a blessing.

Anything can be your excuse or your blessing.

I choose to look at it as a blessing even though a little victim part of me wants to use my circumstances as an excuse to pull back, to shrink, to wait it out. I hope I’ll be strong enough to love that part of me and not let it rule the show.

It’s a blessing because I am forced to strip down to the essential. And do only what truly matters.

I am forced to be available.

Come and play me. I am here. Now.

 

The space in between the words. The nothingness. The consciousness. The Universe.

There are many words we use to describe it, to give it some meaning.

I think many of us had our glimpses into that space. Maybe through meditation. Or through listening to some guru. Or through reading a book. And some of us just felt it, out of the blue, standing in the middle of the store or at the parking lot.

You usually feel it for a few seconds and then it’s gone and you are back to your body, to your story, to yourself.

But if you had enough of those glimpses, you start to realize something.

You realize that the space in between the words is always there. It doesn’t go away. You lose your connection to it, but it doesn’t lose its connection to you. It is always watching. It’s behind your thoughts and your story. It’s using your eyes to see and your ears to hear.

The wholeness? The universal consciousness? It really has no name.

You might also realize that there is no good or bad. The nothingness doesn’t judge the experience. It just wants to experience it all. Through you.

And then another interesting and probably the best thing happens after you’ve had enough glimpses.

You start having this feeling that you have arrived.

You have won already. There is nothing to pursue. Nothing to gain. Nothing to fight for.

Because you are that nothingness. You are that field of oneness. You are that space in between the words.

you have won already

And the irony of it all is when you realize you have arrived, you actually become fearless and want to take lots of action.

Why would you want to do it? If you have arrived already? If there is no meaning in pursuing anything? If you have already won?

Because you are still a human. You didn’t lose your desires. The desires are still there.

What you lost is your fear. The fear to fail. The fear to not succeed. The fear to not arrive.

And losing that fear opens up so much energy. So you go out and actually do what you always wanted to do. And if you fail? You get up and try again. Because nothing really matters.

But for most of us it’s a slow process. Most of us don’t arrive at that place of no fear right away. Again, you just have some glimpses.

That’s how I feel sometimes. The fear is still there on many days.  But also there are moments when I lose it.

Those glimpses of awakening create subtle shifts, subtle changes that I am not always aware of right away. I notice them later.

I’ve been working on my new project that turns into something really big. For me anyway. And today I noticed how a part of me said – What are you thinking about? Let’s have this baby first. Let’s figure out the practical stuff. But then another part said – Why? That’s what I want, so I am going after it. If doesn’t work, not a big deal. Remember, I won already.

That space in between? It’s always there. Maybe we should all visit it more often.

Lana Kravtsova

I changed my header and about to change my about page for probably the fifth time since I started this website a couple months ago. These past few months I was  getting clearer and clearer on my vision, my ideas, my truth.

I thought at first that this website would be a place where I would share everything that moves me at the moment. And I also wanted to use it as a platform to start projects I resonate with at this point in my life.

As I gained more clarity, I now have a different vision for this place.

The way I see it now—this website is a place for me to do my most personal (read intimate) work and share my journey, my lessons, my revelations.

All other projects that move me I will create separate platforms for and I will explain why later in this post.

So what work feels most personal to me at the moment? (And by personal I don’t mean most important, just that—personal)

I want to help women reconnect with their essence and gain clarity on their vision— something bigger than themselves, something that will help them change the world even if in a small way. Something meaningful.

And, no, I am not talking about life purpose—that one and only illusionary thing. If you read my articles before, you know I believe that the particular work you do is a vehicle for you to express your essence and elevate the consciousness of this planet. So while the vehicle needs to resonate with you at the core, it’s job is to help you express yourself. The vehicle can also be changed if needed, if new truth opens up to you.

So I am leaving lots of room for change.  I see it as a constant process of uncovering new layers, finding new dimensions, embracing new truths and ultimately moving yourself and those who want to follow you into higher levels of consciousness.

So that’s my personal work that I am doing here.

In practical business terms, this is a place for my personal brand.

It will change with me if needed. It will evolve and grow with me. This is a place for my most intimate work.

If you are just starting a business, I highly recommend you have a website with your name as your domain first. A place that will help you build your personal brand. A place of your own that will witness your growth. A place for people to connect with you on a deeper level. And you can also use that place as a platform for your most intimate work.

What about other projects?

All other projects that I am called to do, I will create separate platforms for. It just makes sense.

When I started this website I thought I would write a lot about homeschooling my kids and the changes our society needs in the education system. I had some projects in mind that I started creating around that topic.

But that vision evolved into something bigger, so much bigger than myself. And while I consider that work incredibly important, it doesn’t feel as personal. It almost feels like it just uses me to come into the world. I am just a tool. So it needs a separate place. A place of its own.

And it makes sense—I can’t put all of my projects here on one website. Even though in the beginning I wanted to do it, I now see that it’s not possible.

Each project is a separate vision. It has different goals to accomplish, it has different audience. Trying to jam it all in one place, would be insane and incredibly ineffective.

That’s in a nutshell what I am doing now.

This place is for my personal stories, my journey and my most personal work. The work might change, but it will still be something that feels like the most intimate thing for me to share with the world.

All other projects that move me and I feel called to do, I will create separate platforms for.

Gaining clarity on what work you want to do in the world and how you need to structure it is a process. It takes time. It takes action and uncovering the layers every day. But the results are worth it.

I’d love to help you gain clarity on the work through which your essence wants to express itself, check out my evoking the essence experience.

Victoria and snow

I felt lots of anxiety yesterday as I shared with my newsletter subscribers. Today it is gone, and look! we have snow in Georgia, for the first time in 3 years.

Lots of new things coming up in my life. Lots of new changes I want to make happen or are about to happen.

Lots of desires. And longing. Longing for something deeper and more meaningful. Longing for more intimacy, connection, joy. Longing for more aliveness in all areas of my life.

Will that longing ever go away? Will I ever satisfy it? I don’t know, but that’s what propels me forward.

And then I noticed something. Or someone.

He is often there without me even realizing it. Who, you ask?

My inner judge. My inner You are not good enough. My inner critic that is always ready to share his not so nice comments.

What didn’t he like this time?

I am not grateful enough for what I have. I am not appreciating what’s already present in my life.

More aliveness? Who do you think you are? Want to move to a new place? Look around, do you know how many people would die for what you have? Want to take your relationships to the next level? Great. But first marvel at what you have here.

Accept What Is first.

And do you really deserve what you want? Are you evolved enough to go get it? Do you think you are ready for that? I don’t think so.

Does your inner judge do the same thing? I bet he does whether you realize it or not.

Sometimes he can be very subtle. He operates on the level of feelings and subliminal messages that we don’t always stop to decode. Like my anxiety that I felt. I couldn’t even tell at first where it was coming from.

And while there is lots of truth and wisdom to be found in appreciating and accepting what you have, where is the fine line between accepting and settling? 

Oh, and not good enough (evolved enough, ready enough) message? I am so done with it.

Owning your desires. Going after what lights you up and what your soul craves. Allowing yourself to want what you want. Just because you want it.

Why should it be so hard?

So yesterday I allowed myself to send my inner judge on vacation. He didn’t want to go. I insisted.

Appreciation is great, but don’t expect me to settle. Don’t expect me to want less. To feel guilty for my seemingly unrealistic desires.

Because they make me happy and inspired. And when I am happy and inspired, when I know that I am moving toward my vision, everything changes.

Everything.

I am a happier mother and wife. I am at my best in my work. And at my best in my life.

Accepting what is is great. But shouldn’t it involve accepting what you want also? Shouldn’t it involve being grateful for your desires?

What about the not good enough? There is always someone better – more evolved, more ready, more conscious, with more experience and more skills. And I we know it. We know it so well. It is so stupid it is still stopping us from taking action.

The not good enough is getting old. It is really not good enough to feel not good enough anymore. Let’s change the repertoire please. Let’s come up with something new.

So, Yes to owning your desires. Yes to wanting more. Bigger. Brighter. More profound. More meaningful.

Yes to more aliveness.

And when you get it. It’s ok to start wanting more again. It really is ok. It doesn’t make you a horrible, ungrateful, never satisfied creature.

Because more is progress. More means growth.

And any spiritual guru who tells you that more is not the way to go? Let’s send him on vacation. I think he needs a break.

.

 

 

Photo on 1-24-14 at 3.50 PM #2What if you never succeed. What if your dream never comes true. What if you never make as much money as you hope with your meaningful work. Or, maybe no money at all. What if no one cares. What if no one buys. What if someone laughs at you.

What if…

What’s your what if?

The one that is stopping you from taking action? The one that is stopping you from going full force after your dreams?

But what if we did another kind of what if.

What if the only benefit you would get from following your heart were you feeling incredibly inspired. And fulfilled. And creativity pouring out of every pore of your body.

What if the only benefit was your skin glowing (because it always glows when you follow your heart).

What if the only benefit was your children being raised by a happy and fulfilled mother (father). Or your partner being inspired by what you do and finally taking action on his/her meaningful work?

What if the only benefit was your incredible growth that you would inevitably go through doing your meaningful work?

What if…

Would it be worth it?

How do we measure success in the world? Is it only the money? Don’t get me wrong, I think money is a great measure. I have nothing against money. In fact, I think money is a great indicator whether what you are doing is bringing value or not.

But maybe focusing on money and social recognition alone to start something is not the best thing to do.

What if you just focused on your inner fulfillment as your guiding criteria?

How much easier would things be? How much more would you have created by now? How much different would our world be?

“You lose interest in your defenses, after a while, after running through them 5,800 times, and finally you realize there’s nothing left to defend. ”  ~ Gay Hendricks.

I used to be a passionate advocate of vegetarian diet, just to become a passionate advocate of paleo a few years later. I changed countries. I changed careers. I changed what I believed about what makes a happy marriage.

I sent my kid to a Montessori school and loved it just to pull him out and start homeschooling. I thought that being a mother who sacrificed her career for her children was a great thing to do, just to realize that my kids need a mother who is fulfilled in all areas of her life.

I believed that the healthier you eat, the healthier you are. I now know that health is so much more than what you eat.

I was determined to cut people with negative energy out of my life. I now want to learn from anyone who happens to be next to me, because they all have a lesson to teach me about myself.

I used to believe that I was born with a predetermined mission in life. I now believe that my mission is to stay open to change and connect to the truth inside of me. The specific thing that I do – not so important.

I could go on and on remembering all the boxes I’ve been in and got out of.

Do I think I have arrived and what I know now is the ultimate truth? Of course not. It’s just another box.

Each time you get out of one box, you get into another one. That other one might be bigger and more comfortable for awhile, but don’t get too comfortable as you’ll need to get out it too sometime soon.

Will I ever find a box I’ll want to stay forever in? I hope not.

I still get defensive about the causes or truths I believe in right now. But when I catch myself doing it, I smile on the inside. And loosen my grip a little bit.

Does it mean that the truth I believe in now is a fake? Should I just never talk about it since it’s just another box anyway?

I don’t think so.

That’s what life is about – constant growth and change. If I help someone to get out of their box and get into a bigger box, I help them grow. I grow myself. I help humanity move to a higher level. Even if in a tiny small way. 

Maybe the main lesson to learn – don’t get too attached to your current truth.

Believe in what you believe but be willing to question. Be willing to change. Don’t automatically disregard things that are new and don’t fit into your box. Look at them just a few seconds longer than you usually would.

Maybe it’s time for a new box. Maybe it’s time to get to another level. Or maybe not. Either way, staying open helps.

Look at the major areas of your life. Look at your health, your relationships, your career, your spiritual practices. When was the last time you changed your beliefs and actions in those areas?

Look at where you live and what you do every day. Look at yourself in the mirror.

Maybe it’s time to shake things up.

If nothing changed in a while, maybe it’s time to grow.

Because if this life has a purpose, that purpose would be Growth and Progress.