It was about 11 pm in the evening when I felt my throat tighten.
It was painful to swallow. Cold? Strep throat?
The kids were under the weather though none of them complained at their throats. I had no other symptoms besides maybe being tired. But after a weekend with three kids in the house being tired is normal.
My first response – I need to get some rest, I need to give myself a break, I need to take care of myself better. Those were true. But my throat was so painful.
And I knew there was a reason. The reason.
So I stopped and asked myself – What is your truth right now? Why does your throat hurt?
Knowing some about psychosomatic medicine, I remembered that pain in the throat usually represents unexpressed anger.
I thought about a conflict I just had with my mom who is staying with us. I am very deliberate about resolving conflicts these days as I know that unresolved conflicts lead to all kinds of yaki stuff like stifled energy flow, illnesses, lack of motivation etc.
So I started thinking about all the different things I didn’t get to express during the conflict. I didn’t want to bother my mom anymore as we talked about everything we should have talked.
Maybe I should write a letter and burn it, I thought.
Or go scream in the car to get that anger and frustration out?
My mind kept spiraling trying to find a solution while my throat was getting more painful than ever before.
And then I stopped myself. I was not listening to my truth. I was just letting my logical mind rationalize and offer solutions that were within its reach.
Sometimes the logical mind is right but this time I needed my intuition to speak – the part of me that knows everything. The part of me that knows my truest truth.
And right there and then a sudden thought, like a flash came and went, leaving me wondering if I heard it right.
It’s not the anger that you didn’t express enough of, it’s the Love.
Everything became clear. I knew what I needed to do.
I knew what my small act of truth was going to be.
I went into my oldest son’s room and whispered into his ear - I love you so much, thank for coming into my life.
I went to my little girl and whispered the same into her ear.
I went to my baby boy who was sleeping in our bed – I love you so much, my baby, thank you for coming into my life.
That was easy. Expressing my love for my babies has always been easy.
Now was the turn for my husband. He was in the bathroom, brushing his teeth. It was dark. I came up to him and in a dramatic voice said – I love you. I know I don’t say it enough. I am so grateful I have you. He was, of course, touched. And knowing me, I told him about my throat earlier in the evening, he knew why I was doing it.
Now was the hardest part – I went out of the bathroom and toward my mom’s room. She was sleeping and I know she doesn’t like to be awaken in the middle of the night.
Also even though we love each other fiercely, we don’t say it often. I had difficult relationship with my mom since I was a child. And now she triggers a lot of my old patterns and wounds.
Going into her room in the middle of the night was hard. I felt very vulnerable. I first tried to silently send her my loving thoughts. Then I thought about delaying it until the morning.
But I knew I had to go in. Right there and then.
That was my truth at that moment.
So I did. She woke up when I came in. I laid next to her, hugged her and said that I loved her. An overwhelming feeling of peace washed over me. Everything was right in the universe once again. I felt safe. I felt in harmony with the world.
We talked for few minutes, we cried some, I wished her good night and went out of her room. The world was back to normal.
And my throat?
It stopped hurting right away. Literally RIGHT AWAY.
Similar things happened to me before, but it still catches me by surprise each and every time.
Your body is connected to your truth. You just have to listen.