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the judge. a truth poem

I was inspired to do this. At 12 am, tired and sleepy, we went upstairs to his music room. And I loved it so much. Definitely more to come.

My words, his music.

When I was a teenager, I spent hours in my room reading poems. It was my escape from harsh world and overwhelming feelings inside of me.

I am going to call them my truth poems.

I want to turn my inner truth into an art. I want to capture it and honor it.

Video editing is not one of my strength, obviously. We’ll figure it out, but for now, please turn your volume up to hear the music – it’s beautiful.

The Judge. (A Truth Poem.)

I had this sudden urge to just stand back in awe

and so I followed it curious where it would take me

I watched her doing what she usually does

And for the first time in a long time…maybe ever

I didn’t judge

I didn’t put good or bad label on anything

She was going about her day trying to stay present but it seemed like it was not working

She was breathing hard at times and at times it looked like she consciously tried to relax

But couldn’t

I looked and thought about rich and complex inner world that makes who she is

That I never in a million years could fully grasp or comprehend

I thought about a myriad of little and big events that brought her here

I thought about little and big ripples she sends into the world with every thought she thinks, every move she makes and every breath she takes

In awe, I was.

She is a miracle, I thought

It didn’t last long.

The judge came back and with vengeance

Quick to start doing what every respectable judge does – judging

This was good, this was bad.

There were more bad. Of course.

I felt sad for a moment because the break was too short

I felt sad for her, she is doing what she can after all

I wanted to yell at the judge – It’s not her fault, no one is perfect and give her a break

But then I realized I was also judging. I was judging the judge and then judging myself for doing it.

I can’t win this game, I thought

But then I looked in the mirror and I saw her.

We smiled at each other and hurried back to our day hoping that sometime soon we’ll make friends with the judge.

I am too much, Lana Kravtsova, Wild Woman,Awakening Woman, Awakening Women's Business, Awakening Relationships

I’ve been told that I am too much by many. Too sensitive, too over-reactive, too demanding, too emotional, too introverted, too stubborn, too dramatic, too selfish.

I want too much, I expect too much, I dream too much. I am never satisfied. I never have enough. I am not grateful for what I have.

I myself used to think I was too much. I used to apologize. I used to tone myself down. I used to be ashamed. Or maybe I still am.

But I am determined to stop. The shame, the toning down, the suppression. I am determined to stop putting a cap on my self-expression, my desires, my dreams.

I am determined to stop convincing myself that I have enough. Because I don’t and I never will. And that’s ok.

My insatiable hunger for more and better – stuff, love, depth, pleasure – is not something to be ashamed of. It’s something to celebrate. To embrace. To bring out to the light.

Because when I allow myself to want too much and to be too much, I also allow myself to give too much. Of myself. Of my gifts. Of my love. And that’s the damn purpose. Of life.

I can take it when others tell that I am too much. I can stand strong in my determination to be even more.

But I don’t ever want to hear it from you. Not you.

I am a woman. I am too much. Either accept and embrace it . Or stay away.

Stay away if you are blinded by my light. Stay in the darkness if you are scared of my desires. Stay small if you can’t handle my deep rage and my fierce love.

If you can’t accept me being too much, you will never be able to penetrate me deeply. I will not open up for you. And we both will be miserable.

So either learn to welcome my too muchness, creating a safe haven for it to come out and dance and give you all the love that is waiting to be awaken underneath it. Or go away and find another one. The one who is not too much. And good luck with that.

But I hope you’ll choose to stay.

No, you don’t have to be perfect. Choosing to be a man and leaving a little boy behind doesn’t mean that you have to be perfectly strong and unwavering. It’s ok to feel scared. To scream back. To cry. To not know how in the world you will ever be able to satisfy my wild desires.

I’ll tell you the secret.

I don’t need you to satisfy them. I just need you to try.

And to never again tell me that I am too much.

how to surrender to life

 

Those who’ve had the luck of giving birth naturally know that there is a special time right before the baby is about to come out. The time when you are called to fully surrender.

Nothing matters anymore – people around you, what you do, what they do, how you look, what you say – it’s just you and your body – fully present, fully aware.

It’s the time when you must let go and jump fully in.

It’s the time when you learn what true focus means, the kind of focus that you’ve never experienced before.

It’s the time when you experience determination that could move mountains… and push that baby out.

It’s the time when you truly connect to your body being acutely aware of every heartbeat, every breath, the way you hair is stuck to your sweaty forehead, the way your eyelids touch one another when you close your eyes.

It’s the time when you are fully connected to your center – your vagina.

You need that full presence. Otherwise fear will cover you like a big blanket. Full presence is your way to keep fear away and push your baby out into the world.

Fully in. Fully connected. Fully surrendered.

If you’ve never given birth naturally you can still experience the same surrender during what Kim Anami calls gourmet sex. Gourmet sex is when you “blend emotional openness with sexual energy”.

You open your heart fully. You take down your masks. You allow yourself to be fully you. You are acutely aware of every sensation in your body. You are fully connected to your vagina.

You trust. You surrender. You open up. You let go. You come.

Isn’t that what life asks us to do when we want to get to the next level, when we want to reach true success and happiness?

You need to become you-er than you’ve ever been before. You need to let life penetrate you and break you open.

Pushing a baby out, experiencing life-changing orgasms, reaching big and meaningful goals – open your heart, open your legs, breathe.

And surrender.

I cut my hair, started a new project and went on a daily sex challenge with my husband. And let me tell you – daily sex challenge with three kids in the house is a challenge. But it can be done. More on the challenge later.

conscious women's entrepreneurship, Lana Kravtsova

Have you checked out New Generation Project? Please do so if you haven’t. And here I wrote a long post on how to blend your life and your work.

Also please like the New Generation Project Facebook Page. I write long hearfelt status updates daily, it’s my new mini-blog.

I am back from my maternity leave. I love writing. I need to be writing. It helps me to understand and process, it helps me gain clarity, it gives me confidence. Expect lots of words that have my heart intertwined with them on this pages in the coming weeks.

 

closeness

We fight. We push on each other’s buttons.

I get angry… so angry that it’s hard to breath sometimes.

You hurt me. You never intend to do it, but you do. The pain is so big at times that I want to run.

And, yet, you – the person who is the cause of my pain and my anger – you are my closest friend. You are my husband.

And often after a fight we would say - We just want harmony. We just want peace.

But I have always known it – that harmony and peace – they will not come soon. Not unless we are willing to sacrifice closeness. Which we are not.

Here is the thing that I didn’t know before. That no one tells you about at school. That no one shows in the happily ever after movies.

Getting close to someone means agreeing on being hurt. Getting close to someone means accepting the pain.

Because true closeness is not possible without facing your own demons that you’ll inevitably see in another person. That’s why that person was sent to you.

Your relationships are a mirror. They are here to help you become aware and integrate that which you cannot see yourself.

So, yeah, you’ll get hurt. Over and over again.

You can choose the easier way.

You can choose to lie, to hide your truth, to not go deep.

But you’ll sacrifice closeness. And then someday you’ll wake up and look at the person next to you not knowing who that person is.

The easier way is not the way to true peace and harmony.

Peace and harmony need to be earned. Not through never exposing who you are, not through avoiding pain and vulnerability, but through learning the lessons that your relationships are here to teach you. Through opening your heart.  Through realizing that everything that makes you mad, annoyed, hurt, frustrated about your partner is what’s inside of you that wants to come out to the light.

That pain that you feel? He or she is not the cause of it. Your partner is just here to trigger it. That pain was there all along – hiding in the deepest reigns of your soul. But it wants to be seen. It wants to be heard. It wants to help you get back to who you are.

Yesterday after another fight, after our emotions cooled down, I said – Let’s just hold each other. No talking. Just holding each other tight, staying close, staying connected.

Because that we can do, in the midst of the hurt and anger and despair, we can hold each other.

We need to hold each other.

Because you are not the cause of my pain.

You are here to help me heal. You are here to help me get back to my wholeness.

If I could only remember that next time.

If I could only remember that it’s never me against you. It’s me fighting with myself.

It’s me discovering myself.

It’s me getting closer.

 

Conscious Parenting project

 

Has it been 5 months already since I wrote my last post?  Time flew by and my family is almost adjusted to our new normal – life with three kids.

Today I wanted to share with you my new project that I originally planned on starting in April. I overestimated my multi-tasking abilities. I often do.

But before I tell you about the project, let me tell you how it was born. Maybe it will help you if you are trying to figure out your thing.

My main criteria for this project was – I wanted to blend my life and my work. What do I mean by that?

It’s not about my passions anymore. The whole passion obsession is slowly dying and seems like more and more people are realizing that simply figuring out what you are passionate about and starting a business doing it – is not enough.

No, don’t get me wrong, passions are important. Very much so! But figuring out who you are and finding the work that will connect who you are with what you do is a little bit different.

Let me explain.

There are lots of things I am passionate about but not all of them are part of my life. Not all of them represent me at this point in my life.

When you blend your life and your work you literally start selling what you are, right here, right now. Nothing extra.

Here is an example.

If I was passionate about healthy cooking (which I am) and wanted to turn that passion into a business, I could learn more recipes, cook meals specifically for showing off my skills, get new camera to take pictures of the dishes I make, maybe take classes to learn more recipes, techniques, etc.

I would enjoy doing it. It’s my passion after all. But it would require extra work. Because even though I am passionate about healthy cooking, I don’t come up with new recipes every day nor do I plan on taking any cooking classes any time soon.

When I am blending my life and my work, I don’t learn anything specifically for the sake of selling it later. I don’t do classes, new recipes, new camera etc.

Unless! Unless I wanted to take those classes and learn those recipes for myself. Unless I would do it whether I needed it for my business or not.

You see, the difference is – I live my life and share it, as opposed to – I do something worth sharing and share it.

When you blend your life and your work – the assumption is – what you are already and what you do already on a daily basis – is valuable and worth sharing. Nothing extra needed.

Please don’t confuse it with becoming a diarist. No, it doesn’t mean you have to start sharing EVERY SINGLE THING you are doing.

You have to find one thing or maybe a couple of things that you do every day that have lots of meaning for you. They are not just your routines, they are a part of who you are on a deeper level.

It might be fostering creativity in your children because you know how important it is for them, or gardening because you believe if everyone had a garden – it would change the world, or hiking because nature us your temple or always making time for your friends no matter how busy life gets.

What is a part of who you are? What is so important to you that you would really really regret not being able to do? What is on top of your priority list? It might be one thing or two things or more.

And no, they are not necessarily what you would call passions. They are just something you do – NO MATTER WHAT.

Now ask yourself why those are so important to you? Do you believe that if other people started doing what you are doing – it could help them in any way?

And here is the real test –  do you believe that if many people were doing what you are doing – our world would become a better place to live in?

Yes, I do believe that if we look closer at what we do every day, we will find something that could change the world.

So I had to look at myself and ask myself those questions.

And that might be one of the hardest things to do. When you are in the center of it, it’s hard to see what you are in the center of. It’s so much easier for me to do it for others.

Most of what I do these days revolves around my kids, of course. But what about my kids? What specifically? No, I don’t want to become a mommy blogger and share baby pictures. (Nothing wrong with mommy bloggers.)

After thinking about it for awhile, I saw two things.

First – parenting is a spiritual practice for me. I’ve been saying it for awhile – I don’t need to go to church, I don’t need to meditate or go to spiritual retreats – I have my kids. Parenting is a catalyst for personal growth for me.

As a result here is what I wrote on the about page for my new website –

“I want to re-imagine the way I parent my children. I want to re-imagine the way we, as a society, parent our children.

I want to change the belief that is so ingrained in me that I am an almighty, all-knowing parent whose job is to raise properly socialized and educated human being filling them up with as much knowledge and good manners as I can. Because that’s not my job.

My children and I are partners. They are with me for a short period of time to help me grow and evolve. To teach me the lessons I need to learn. I do that for them as well.

I don’t own them. They are not here to make me proud or to show what a great mother I am. They are here to help me uncover my truth. To help me get back to myself. To help me let go what I need to let go.

That’s what conscious parenting is all about.”

That’s what I do every day. I try to parent consciously. I learn the lessons. I change myself. I grow. I evolve through my relationships with my kids.

Some days I suck at it really bad. Some days I fail hard. Sometimes it takes me months and years to learn the lesson.

But I don’t give up. I try again and again.

My children are my biggest teachers in life.

I truly want to help myself and our society to change the way we view parenting. I want it to be a given, something that everyone knows and everyone does. I want new parents who are having a baby to anticipate all the lessons they’ll learn through parenting that child.

This one change in our parenting, this one change in our collective consciousness, could help humanity move up a level. I believe so.

Conscious parenting – that is my number one thing that is a part of who I am.

And another very important thing regarding my kids that keeps me up at night is I want them to have access to a very different education than is available right now. I want them to go to school that doesn’t exist yet. I want it so bad. As a result I tried alternative schools, I tried homeschooling, I research schools all the time hoping to find the one.

I believe with a passion that if we change our education system we could change the world.

Those are two things that are part of my everyday – conscious parenting and childhood education. They are a part of who I am right now. Do I have other parts that are important? You bet. I hope to explore them here.

So, my new project? Check it out – New Generation Project. A website dedicated to conscious parenting and changing our education system. Please like it on Facebook if have kids and resonate. Thank you!

 

This past week was a week of basking in newborn bliss for me. Our baby came last Sunday. His name is Zachary Alexander.

These days are so special and precious. This is my last baby. I don’t like to say never, but three is a good number for me. Knowing that it was my last pregnancy, last birth, last time I get to take care of my newborn makes everything so bittersweet.

One day old

One Day Old

I want to remember every moment. Inhaling his newborn smell, looking in amazement at his tiny fingers and toes, kissing his soft cheeks over and over again. Even the pain of labour didn’t feel bad at all as I knew it would be gone soon and never again will I experience pushing my child into the world.

I am still wearing my hospital bracelets, reluctant to take them off. I’ll never wear them again. So many things I’ll never get to experience again.

But the truth is, everything is like this.

The moment I experience right now will never come back. My seven year old will never be seven again. My two year old will never be the same again. I will change and grow. My husband and our relationship will evolve and change.

That’s life.

Why don’t we live every moment in awe and gratitude then? I don’t know.

I do plan on enjoying this beautiful here and now as much as I can. Because I know that soon enough the other part of me will wake up. The part of me that doesn’t care about the present moment. It doesn’t appreciate the beauty of experiences that will never come back.

All it wants is to move on. To start a new chapter. It lives in the future. It fantasizes about what will be and how it will be, taking for granted what is already here.

I need that part of me too. It makes sure I keep moving forward.

Two forces. One loves the future. One loves here and now. I need both of them. I like both of them. I welcome both of them.

But in the meantime, I’ll go back to my bittersweet bliss, my baby is about to wake up.