She often comes when you are already asleep,
Or at work,
Or in some other way not immediately available.
She rushes into my body and I ache to touch you,
Jump onto your lap throwing my arms around you,
Grab your head with my two hands and look deeply into you eyes.
I have a visceral yearning to be close, to press my bones into yours, and feel your heartbeat next to mine.
I wish she would come more often when we are hustling kids to school in the mornings,
Or have one of our heated conversations about the nature of reality.
I wish she would come more often when we make love,
Pushing sexual desire aside just a little bit
So that we could gaze into each other’s eyes deeper and longer.
She feels the same as when I look at our kids sleeping bodies,
Quiet, innocent, peaceful.
She comes when I have a moment to stop and listen,
And somewhere deep inside, without realizing it, a part of me marvels at the miracle that we found each other out of billions of possibilities.
She is sudden and fierce,
Like the other day I was finishing dishes in the kitchen,
And the house was still,
You fell asleep with the kids as you rarely do these days because you are so busy working and making music and talking to me about the future and making love and making next day lunches.
She ran through door and into my blood,
Leaving me breathless.
I wanted fly up the stairs into our bedroom where we sleep with our babies still next to us,
I wanted to wake you up,
But I didn’t,
Because… she is tender.
She can’t handle too much noise or body movements,
Otherwise she runs away.
Vulnerable and shy creature,
She has low tolerance for anything that has to do with too much humanness
She likes it quiet.
She likes it focused on the inner instead of the outer.
I dream of the day when she’ll become braver,
And show up even in the messiest moments when our bodies are moving fast, voices loud, air tense from all the emotions.
I’ll nurture her, I promise.
I’ll help her grow stronger and more confident.
So that she can stand tall even in our darkest fights.
I will sit on your lap, hands holding your head, my heart next to yours, looking deeply into you eyes.
We will talk and scream and cry if we need to,
Yet, my hands won’t move and my eyes won’t turn away,
And there will be a soft tender smile on my lips
You’ll feel her rolling out from my heart to yours,
Sending rays of sunlight and glow of stardust.
And even though my words might still sound like blades,
You’ll know that you are safe.
You are always safe.